Lying on the bed with my husband recently, I felt so broken. But in my brokenness I saw the strength of our love together.
It was pitch black in our room, so he couldn’t see me. But he did notice I was unusually quiet. At first I just kept saying, “I’m fine.” But my husband pushed me to share more. The moment we really started talking about me and how I was feeling, I broke down.
Being a young mom of several kids, including a newborn, has taken a toll on me, not just physically but also mentally. I love my family, but there are days when I want to go back to sleep as soon as I wake up. The daily pressures built up until one night I finally started crying in bed with my husband.
When my husband first realized I was crying he just kept asking me, “Baby, what’s wrong? What is it?” I replied that, “This is more than just hormones, and this feeling is not going away.”
That moment in bed, lights off, crying, and being held by my husband was a big moment for me. I was more honest and vulnerable with myself and my husband than I had ever been.
As I opened up more, I broke down more. What had started as a tearful, “I’m fine” turned into a sobbing, “I am just not happy anymore. Even though you are amazing and I love our kids so much, I am just so empty and sad.” As I talked, my husband stroked my arm, back, and cheek—trying to calm me as much as he could.
I never thought I would ever feel that down. I always see the glass as half full even in the worst of situations. After having another baby, though, I felt that changing. The happy and bubbly person I was before is gone, and I am left feeling exhausted and sad.
My husband has had a lifelong struggle with depression. So he was able to lie face to face with me and tell me, “I know exactly what you mean.” It was so comforting to know he meant it.
Having my husband know exactly how I feel and be able to just hold me through it was absolutely what I needed. He told me:
“I know this doesn’t mean much right now, but you are an incredible mother. I want you to believe that. You are an amazing woman, and I love you so much.” He said he was “just so proud” of me and all I am doing.
In my head I still felt worthless, like a terrible mom and wife. My husband knew depression makes it hard to believe what he was saying , so he kept reminding me that although I “don’t feel like these things are true, they are.”
That night we stayed up late just talking. Even though my husband had to get up early the next morning for work, it didn’t matter to him. I mattered more. The next day, as soon as he got home, the first thing he asked was how I was doing.
To say all is better now would be a lie. I am still struggling with these feelings, but I have an amazing man who is holding me through this. Not only that, but despite working full-time, he’s stepped up around the house. He’s gone into superhero mode and just keeps working after he’s done working. I honestly don’t know what I would do without him.
I know I will get out of this dark place I am in and go back to being my glass-half-full self. But when I get there, I will fully know it was with the support of the man I married.
Editor’s Note: If you suspect you or a loved one may be suffering from depression, please visit MentalHelp.net for resources and support.
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