I had just made my account at an online dating site and almost instantly I was getting messages like “Hey sexy! Let’s go out!” Some messages were more direct, with guys basically asking straight up for sex.
I don’t really like looking for a guy online, but nowadays it seems like the only place to find someone. There just aren’t a lot of options for finding a good guy for a 27 year old single mom like me. I don’t know many people, and I’m in such a small town where everyone knows everyone else—and it seems like I’ve dated most of them!
In all those messages, though, one guy stood out. He was really cute and really buff and the light of his world was his daughter, which I thought was really sweet. He told me that he was looking for “wife material” and he told me that I seemed like a really good mom and like the kind of woman he was looking for. He called me sweetie and asked about my day. So after messaging and talking over the phone a couple times, we set a date.
I was really nervous, and kind of paranoid. I’d never met anyone online before. What if he turned out to be a serial killer or rapist? I drove my own car and we met at Quaker Steak and Lube.
He was really nice during the meal. We talked about our kids and he teased me about being a messy eater as I ate my bucket of wings. But I rarely go out for dinner and I was going to enjoy it! This guy was much more of a gentleman than a guy I went on a date with previously. That guy had expected me to pay for everything, and then expected me to have sex with him—that guy had expected it all.
At the end of dinner, I kissed my date on the cheek and said good night, before getting into my car to drive back home. Everything seemed good.
But that night I got a string of angry text messages. He was mad that I’d kissed him on the cheek instead of on the lips. Most girls would have slept with him on the first date, especially because he paid for dinner, he informed me.
But since when was that the arrangement? I’ll pay for dinner, you give me sex? I’m not a prostitute. I think I’m worth more than the price of dinner—more than the forty bucks he spent on our wings and drinks that night.
I texted him back. “I’m not like that anymore,” I said. “I’ve done it before, but I’m trying to change.”
He didn’t like that answer. He called me ugly and a whore. (If I’m so ugly, why did he want to sleep with me? And since when did NOT having sex make you a whore?)
I’ve written a couple of posts here and here about why I changed my mind about sex on first dates, but mostly it’s because I’m looking for more than just sex. Like my fellow iBiL contributors Isaac and Meg I want a lasting relationship that’s actually based on love, not just attraction. And I need more time for that love to develop before I share all of me with another person. I wish my date could have respected that.