Ugh, I hear you girl! I thought to myself while I read Brittany’s recent post, “A Good Date Gone Wrong.” I have also experienced the disappointment of thinking that a guy wants to get to know me, only to discover that he was way more interested in getting some action at the end of the night.
Like Brittany, Meg, and Isaac, I’m also looking for a lasting relationship that is “based on love, not just attraction.” And, in my opinion, Brittany was spot on when she said, “I need more time for that love to develop before I share all of me with another person.” I feel the same way too! But how do I know which guys are going to want to take the time to build a relationship and not just jump right into sex?
Before date one it’s hard to be 100% certain that a guy is only in it for sex—and it’s certainly not fair to make a judgement too quickly—but I have learned from experience that there are a few clues that can tip you off as to whether your date is going to expect more at the end of the night.
As Brittany points out in her article, there are names—like “sexy”—that are obviously inappropriate. But even names that you would normally find charming coming from a boyfriend, like “sweetie” or “honey”, are inappropriate before the first date. Why? Because pet names suggest familiarity and emotional closeness, but before you have really gotten to know each other that kind of familiarity is impossible. You have to ask yourself, if he doesn’t know me yet, why is he calling my “hun”? Nine times out of ten it’s because he is trying to force or fast forward feelings of emotional connection before your date. Why would he do that? Nine times out of ten it’s because he consciously or subconsciously has high expectations for getting physical at the end of the night.
02. Eyes up top.
When a guy focuses too much on your physical attributes there is cause to be wary. Sure, everybody loves to be complimented, but too much focus on how “beautiful,” “hot,” or “sexy” you are, likely means he doesn’t care about—or perhaps has just forgotten—what really matters in a relationship. It’s subtle, but there is a big difference between the guy who leads with “Hey there gorgeous, want to grab dinner?” and the guy who asks you out with something like, ”Hey there, I would love to get to know you better. Can I take you to dinner sometime?” The key here is that guy number two hasn’t forgotten about the real reason for going on a date: getting to know one another.
Much like the compliments, sometimes a kind gesture can go too far and even lose it’s meaning. Gentlemanly conduct is supposed to be aimed at serving the lady in question, but too often men who are looking for a reward at the end of the night will use chivalry to advance their own agenda. It’s one thing to open a door or pull out a chair or pay for dinner. It’s another to be showy about the amount he spends on the evening or pushy with unnecessary gestures. Your date should be looking to be accommodating to your needs eg. picking a convenient location to meet, not insisting on picking you up (especially if you met online), and focusing on making sure you are a comfortable.
These may sound a little nit-picky and it’s by no means a reason to refuse a first date, but when it comes to first dates, there is wisdom in preparing yourself for the worst and hoping for the best.