Being Single and Being Lovable


If you told me four years ago, that I would still be single. I can tell you one thing, I certainly wouldn’t have been caught dead writing about still being single.

In fact, when I first moved to Washington, D.C, I distinctly remember going to a talk that was titled something like, “Living the Single Life Well.” The woman presenting was in her mid-thirties, owned her own home, and had a great job; she doing some fabulous things with her life while she eagerly anticipated finding her spouse and marriage. She was so optimistic and hopeful. But as I sat there, ignorant as I was, I literally wanted to crawl out of my skin for her.

“That would never be me,” I thought to myself.

As a young 20- something year old, I associated marriage with beauty and being lovable, and so when I encountered women in their late 20’s and 30’s who were not married, I thought something had to be wrong with them. In fact, I remember a time in my first year out of college when I would think of some of the engaged or married women that I knew and compare my physical appearance to theirs. I would often say to myself, “What did these women have that I didn’t?” I was so broken and I had such a long journey ahead…

As I began to self-reflect and really pray with this, I discovered that my brokenness was deeply rooted in my childhood. I come from a very loving home and although my parents often affirm me and tell me that they love me, I cannot often remember being told that I was beautiful as a child. I think as I got older, because I had not heard those words from the persons closest to me, I just assumed that I wasn’t beautiful and I wasn’t worthy of love from someone outside my family- why would someone who wasn’t my family choose to love me?

Over the past four years, a lot of healing has happened in my life. I’ve been able to acknowledge that my perception of beauty was a lie and being single does not equal being unattractive or unlovable. However, there is a time and place for everything; God’s timing is everything.

And so here I am, still single but happy; my life is a gift! Even though I deeply desire marriage and want a family, for one reason or another I am not married. And instead of mourning over these woes, I began to reflect on what I had learned and experienced because I am not married. I have completed more schooling, run four marathons, been able to spend countless hours with my two-year old niece, and the list goes on…

In my early twenties, I felt threatened by the fear of being alone, unwanted, and unloved. And had I been in a serious relationship or gotten married, I probably would have projected a lot of those fears onto my boyfriend or spouse. And ain’t nobody got time for that!

Now of course I’m not trying to say that I want to be single the rest of my life…quite the contrary, I still desire marriage. But I’m less anxious about the timing of it, and instead trusting that when the time is right, a good man will be presented to me.


Flickr/Barta IV

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