Why I Won’t Talk About My Sex Life

Before I got married, I was an open book. I shared personal stories from my life with new friends and sometimes even perfect strangers. It was easy for me to relate to others through shared experiences, and I wasn’t shy in sharing embarrassing stories and innermost thoughts about my life. I never thought much about privacy until I was married.


Unlike me, my husband has always been more private about his personal life. So I learned early on in our marriage that, out of respect for his sense of privacy, I needed to curb my excitement about sharing too much with others—even if I didn’t necessarily agree that it was an over share. Sometimes, I have to step back and think about what things my husband would be comfortable with me sharing and what things he would not. But when it comes to our sex life, we both agree 100 percent: what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom.

No amount of money in the world could get me to share the details of what happens in my bedroom (apart from crying babies in the middle of the night), and I’ll tell you why.

Intimacy decreases when publicity increases. Oftentimes it’s the memories that are most special to us that we keep to ourselves. Every intimate experience my husband and I share in our bedroom is special because there are only two people in the whole world who know about it—my husband and me.

An understanding of privacy and intimacy builds trust. My husband and I know that we won’t talk about our sex life to just anyone, and with every day that passes, that understanding helps us build trust with one another. We have shared personal experiences that will always stay personal. We have committed to that and trust builds upon trust.

There is a time and place to share. Sex is a critical piece of intimacy in marriage, and those seeking marital counseling might find discussion of their sex life to be an important part of the process. What’s more, sex has been distorted so much in our culture, that many pre-marriage classes find they need to have discussions about the meaning of sex. Often it is married couples who share their own experiences that helps other couples come to a healthy understanding of sex. These are examples of places where sharing may be appropriate.

But when it comes to gossiping about sex with my girlfriends, in the work break room, or anywhere else where it is treated casually, I have found that there are some spaces in our lives that become more treasured with our silence—the intimacy of our sex lives is one of those treasured places.

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