Warning: Do not try this at home. Professional humor only.
Are you looking for ways to fight about nothing with your man or woman? If so, you’ve come to the right place. We’ve got nine tips for how you can fight about absolutely nothing and get really worked up while doing it.
Here are three time-tested steps for women.
1. Have those deep emotional talks that you guys have been putting off for a long time really late at night, when he’s sure to be the most tired and the least interested. If he (very reasonably) suggests something like, “Hey, babe, can’t we talk about this tomorrow?” fly right back with, “You always do this! You don’t even care about my feelings!” That kind of honest pushback in the late hours of the night works really well, especially if he has to be up early the next morning.
2. Remind your man that he got you pregnant, you carried the baby for nine months, so it’s his job for the next eighteen years. Dirty diaper? Yup, that’s on you, man. The barenaked toddler peed on the living room carpet? That’s right. Every. Single. Time.
3. If he’s changing a baby’s diaper, ask him why he’s not doing the dishes. If he’s at work, call him up and ask him why he isn’t mowing the grass. If he’s mowing the grass, ask him why he isn’t paying you any attention. If he just sat down for the first time in three days, ask him why he ain’t fixing the roof. Men adore that kind of nagging.
Here are three sure-to-succeed ideas for men.
1. Use lots of lame humor. When she asks you to get the mac and cheese and she tells you it’s in the cabinet on the second shelf, come back with “You’re on the second shelf.”
And when she’s like, “My dog thinks I’m gonna give her the Chipotle,” you go, “If I had my dog, his ass would be getting the Chipotle for me.”
2. When she is pouring out her feelings to you about a problem, interrupt her and let her know that you’ve got a solution already figured out, and that if she just follows the seven steps you are about to lay out, everything will be peaches and cream. (Note: Do this even if you have no idea what the solution is.)
For instance, let’s say she is wondering what she should do about the fact that her best friend is really into a guy who obviously isn’t into her. Should she try to hint at something, or—
“Babe, worry no further, I’ve got the master plan. First, text her right now and tell her that John dude is definitely not into her. Second….” (You get the picture.) And if she tries to come back at you with the “you-don’t-understand-I-just-wanted-you-to listen-to-me” crap, ignore her and keep bulldozing right along. When she sees the amazing brilliance of your seven-step program—and trust us, she will—all should be well.
3. Don’t worry about anything. Your woman in labor with the baby? You just video game away.
“Hold on, babe, I’m almost to the save point. You just started your labor, you be fine.”
Or when she asks you to take out the trash, check your favorite sports site and say, “Just a minute, babe, I’m checking the news.” And when she asks you again, tell her some obscure sports fact that has absolutely zero relevance to real life, like, “Did you know that the first famous Super Bowl commercial was an ad for Noxzema?”
Finally, the following are three steps that we have found work well for men and women.
1. Always assume that the other person is at fault. Toilet seat up? Totally her fault, even though you have never once in your life shut the friggin’ toilet seat. Keys lost again? That would be his fault, never mind you’re the one who lost the last seven keys that he discovered underneath the animal cracker crumbs and rotting banana peels in your handbag that has like seven gazillion slots.
2. When you’re in a really stressful moment, shift your attention away from the stressful thing and make it about your man or woman. (This is related to the first point, but a little different.) Lots of “always” and “never” statements work really well for this kind of thing.
For instance, you’re a guy and the zombies absolutely devastated you, and you’re totally ticked. Think of ways that that might be your woman’s fault, and tell her so.
“How come you always walk in front of the TV when I’m just about to kill the zombies?”
“How come you never respect my personal time? Just when I’m about to advance to the next level, you start harassing me with texts. You always do that.”
Or, you’re a woman, and you just blotched your face all up with makeup before a really nice date. “How come you never give me enough time to get ready for special dates? You know, this is a really big deal for girls.” If you can think of a biting remark to finish the accusation, that’s good, too. Like, “You’re so insensitive!”
3. You’re always right. ‘Nuff said.