I Ignore You Because I Like You

At times a woman may avoid a guy because she really is not interested in him, but other times, strangely, a woman may do it because she is! This can understandably be quite frustrating. Yes, I ignore you because I like you and I am not the only woman who tends to do this.

Hammonton Photography
Flickr/Hammonton Photography

A friend of mine once told me that she has tried this “ignoring guys” strategy for 15 years and it has not yet worked. I am beginning to wonder just how many women (and men) play this game.

Why do I do it? I ignore men because I want to be pursued. Having a guy take the lead in making the first move and having him repeatedly make an effort to show interest in me helps me to feel more assured that he sees goodness and worth in me. It helps me to feel wanted and loved, allows fears of rejection to decrease, and enables me to better open my heart to the possibility of forming a relationship with him.

I want to be loved, but I also don’t want to get hurt. I want to be treated with gentleness and reverence, especially where I may feel most vulnerable. It can at times lead me to do a strange dance –taking a step forward and then taking a step away from forming a possible dating relationship. For instance, not so long ago, I made an attempt to strike up a conversation with a guy I was interested in, I said something ridiculous, became embarrassed, and then started talking to another guy who was unavailable and therefore “safe” for me to talk to. That was probably a confusing performance!

It’s okay and natural to desire to be pursued, but I realize now that it’s important to remain open to men who may want to show interest. If a woman appears to be uninterested, then a man may very well think that this is the case and be hesitant in taking the lead to pursue her. If there is a man I am interested in, then I shouldn’t ignore him—even if my true desire is to be pursued. As a woman, I want to be a place of welcome for him, a person of receptivity. By my presence and interactions with him, I too need to give him the assurance that I see goodness and worth within him.

Do you have a desire to be pursued? How do you handle it?

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8 Comments

  • I understand where you are coming from in a way. But personally I hate it when guys ignore me, especially after they’ve told me something like “I love you” and then ignore me the next 3 days, because I feel like I’ve done something wrong. But hey, that’s just me! Someone else could be completely different.

  • Then you wonder why there’s sexual harassment suits and men just throwing their hands up and avoiding women all together. I for one won’t even waste a second of energy if a woman ignores me…Ill just walk away…I don’t care.

  • Anne Marie you wrote a really good article. I am a guy, and I see women do this all the time in romantic relationships. The word that rang true was “safe”. Women tend to be emotional creatures, you have to have something draw you to that guy. So a guy being easy for you doesn’t make you wonder about him. Women are more likely to chase a guy that is hardly available and hard to get. That’s where the word of safe comes in, now guys are logical we were born that way. A safe girl would be one that we could trust, someone that we know is good to be around and won’t stab us in the back. A woman sees that as, he’s hard to get ahold of, he doesn’t pursue me so it’s a safe situation because your emotions are telling you that its safe. Now here’s something that may confuse you or make you think that men play games with you. I particularly like to let women that I am interested in chase me. Why? Women have had to naturally compete for men. I will show interest in the beginning and pursue her, but I prefer her to text and call me a majority of the time. When she does I don’t gab on the phone I set up the next date for us to hangout. This keeps that wonder and mystery about me. I have been that guy that always pursues and it didn’t workout, girls reach that point where they can’t explain why they aren’t attracted to you. Also women want to see a man as strong and there is nothing weaker than a guy chasing after a girl. It’s just how you girls work.

  • What exactly do you mean that you ignore him and have him repeatedly make an effort to show interest? If he messages you, do you ignore him? If he tries to make conversation with you in person, do you cut the conversation short? Besides just not initiating conversation with him on a regular basis, do you also ignore him when you see he’s making an effort?

  • Veronica, I completely understand your ignoring because you don’t want to get hurt. It is something that many, many of us struggle with and is at the root of why we often ignore. I really like the quote you shared, David. Thank you! Those are some good words to live by. I know for myself and a few other women I’ve spoken to, at times we can unfortunately be more friendly to someone that isn’t available or who we think isn’t interested in dating us or who we may not be interested in dating. Fear can be paralyzing but smiling & saying hi, including to someone we may like, sounds like a good place to start.

  • I tend to ignore men I like too, and I suppose a nice way of putting it would be to say it was because I wanted them to pursue me. But really it’s more because I am afraid of getting hurt. If I show interest in them and they don’t return it, I will get hurt. If I don’t show interest in them, whether or not they show interest in me, I won’t get hurt. At least that’s the theory. As you have found, it rarely works in practice.

  • (FROM the draft of my forthcoming book: “In this respect, I cannot improve on the simple advice that Margaret Kent gave to women to in her best-selling book a generation ago:

    The first thing you must do is say hello to every man… Greet every man you are reasonably sure is not a danger to you. Treat every man as worthy of a friendly hello….Just smiling a warm hello at every man, whether he’s your paperboy or your lawyer, will give you the reputation of being a friendly person and make it easier for men to approach you and meet you…[Be] friendly to everyone…and never act like a snob…. Smile and say hello to all the men—and all the women too.”

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