I love you. You’re beautiful. You’re amazing.
Words every wife dreams of hearing. Yet, there I was four years into my marriage, realizing that when my husband said them, I didn’t fully believe him.
It also was about this time that I realized this undercurrent of insecurity and distrust was really at the root of our sexual problems. Sex wasn’t just a physical experience, but also a deeply emotional one. Sex wasn’t just binding our bodies together, but our hearts and souls as well. And truth be told, for sex to be as magnificent as it’s meant to be, my husband and I had to be intimately united in every aspect including mutual trust.
I hate admitting that I didn’t trust my husband because he is one of the most honest and sincere men I have ever met. And the reality is that he didn’t do anything to make me lose my trust: no lying, stealing or cheating. It was actually my own insecurities, coupled with my family background that allowed this undercurrent of distrust to creep in and slowly grow with time.
But since I didn’t trust my husband, I instinctively held back, especially in the bedroom. I was afraid of getting hurt and thought if I didn’t give all of myself, then I could protect myself from the pain. Deep down my husband knew I didn’t trust him with my whole heart and it was a great wound for him, especially because he loved me so deeply and didn’t know how to get me to believe him.
Every time he’d bring it up I’d deny that trust was an issue because it sounded so ugly, so not us, so immature. Plus, I was embarrassed at how I could possibly not trust such an amazing man.
But eventually I had to come to grips that I had struggled with insecurities about my husband’s past relationships before our marriage. When he said “I love you,” or “You’re beautiful,” I thought, did he really mean it? Deep down did he really wish he had chosen someone else to be his wife?
My mind then would also flash back to watching my own parents, who by all standards have a good marriage, but had problems of trust and honesty of their own.
We were still very happy, but we knew there was more out there and we knew we wanted to have it: namely a deeper intimacy specifically linked to our sexual relationship. I also knew that if we were to achieve that, I would have to gain the courage admit my own struggles to my husband and trust him with them.
It took some time and many conversations, but I’ve found that giving him the benefit of the doubt when he praises me or tells me that he loves me goes a long way in allowing me to believe him. He also has worked harder to show me that he loves me by checking in more often during the day, serving me in all sorts of ways and performing small romantic acts to woo my heart. And in the times that I still struggle, I try to reflect on all the ways I know he loves me and instead push the ugly lies away.
Thankfully, once we addressed this issue, I found that not only did I become comfortable sharing my whole heart, soul and body with my husband, but as time went on I discovered that I deeply desired to intimately give my entire being to him, which gave me new motivation to make our sexual relationship the best it could possibly be.