What I Know Now: I Don’t Want to Move Too Fast

I recently started a relationship and am wondering if I am moving too fast. In the past, I have always moved quite fast, and maybe that’s why things never worked out. I tend to jump all in, not afraid to drown. I start imagining the life that I want and that usually gets me into trouble. Nowadays we are in such a rush do everything and get it done, but how does it affect my life? My children’s life? There are so many questions as to what is right and what is right for us.

All of this is so confusing because I have people telling me to wait on certain things and others telling me to go ahead and do it. If I think it’s right should I go ahead? Or if I have hesitations should I wait? Starting a serious relationship after just a few dates gets pretty complicated for me. I end up doing things that I never thought I would do.

Like the time that I moved in with a guy a couple weeks after we started dating. It just sort of happened—he stayed at my place and didn’t leave. It’s not like we ever decided to move in together. It just worked out that way because he just kept spending the night instead of going back to his parent’s place. I thought it would be a good way to get to know him better, and at that stage in the relationship we wanted to spend as much time together as possible. I already had my son at that point, and in a way it was like we were playing family.

A few months later we were accidentally pregnant. While I was pregnant, he started cheating and staying at his parents’ a lot. I realized too late that it had been a mistake. But I didn’t want to break up with him because I wanted at least one of my kids to have her father in her life.

After our baby was born, things got worse. Our lifestyles were totally different, and we had very different personalities. I felt like he was my third kid; he didn’t keep a job, and I had to take care of him—when in my personal opinion, the man is supposed to provide for the household. I think if I had waited longer before moving in with him, I might have picked up on some of those negative traits sooner and avoided the relationship.

The biggest problem is that I fell into the relationship without thinking it through, which made me feel like I didn’t choose it and that it wasn’t what I wanted. That might help to explain why the divorce rate is higher for people who live together before they get married.

Like fellow I Believe in Love contributor Kelly who wrote about her experience of moving too fast, I know now that it’s probably best to wait it out. Moving in together, especially a couple weeks into a relationship, doesn’t give you enough time to get to know a person before adding the daily pressures of being together all the time and sharing (or not sharing) the housework and bills. I felt like I got stuck in my past relationship, because things moved too fast and it was harder to break up once we had a child together and shared a place.

Instead, I want to make sure that the relationship is truly something that I want. I don’t want to have a doubt in my mind, especially because I don’t ever want to get divorced. I want to make sure that I absolutely love that person and have no reservations about that person. I want to know that I am putting myself into a situation that will make my kids and me happy. Maybe waiting will do wonders in helping me to figure all of that out.

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