Hindsight tells me that David was the man I should marry—so I sometimes forget how much I agonized over the decision before we got engaged.
It’s tempting to say something trite like, “When you know, you know.”
But the truth is, it was not that simple. Just because something is not an easy decision doesn’t mean it isn’t the right decision. Sometimes fear, or past hurts, or our insecurities can make even the right decision difficult.
That was, at times, the case for me. Because of complicated feelings about a past relationship, I struggled with doubts about David and me. I questioned whether I was really compatible with him and wonder if I was actually meant to be with this other guy. Whenever I was mad or disappointed with David, it was all too easy to compare him to my ex.
We had talked about marriage for months and were planning to get engaged. But for some reason the doubts hit me one day, and I suddenly gushed, “David, I don’t know if I love you!” He wisely told me that if we were thinking of getting engaged that I needed to have more clarity on the question.
I thought, and prayed, and thought some more about my relationship with David. I had witnessed his trustworthiness, his work ethic, his faith, his love for the people around him—and I knew that those were traits I could count on and reasons he was worth committing to for life. I realized that I did love David and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.
The next morning I got up extra early and stopped in a café for two cups of coffee. I power-walked the few blocks from my apartment building to his, trying not to slosh the hot liquid all over my hands on the way. I knocked and he opened the door. I told him that I loved him and offered him the coffee as a peace offering. We hugged and not long after that we were engaged.
Deciding to marry my husband wasn’t a decision I made in one moment. It happened gradually over time, as I saw more clearly the man he was and how we had similar life visions and goals. I’m glad that I didn’t let my own fears and doubts related to a past relationship keep me from marrying a guy who I knew to be a very good man.