I know that a lot of people don’t talk about it, but here I go.
I have been struggling with depression for a long time now. Every day is a battle. It doesn’t seem to matter what I do, it is always lurking, just waiting to rear its ugly head.Some days are better than others. Depression can rule your life if you let it. I choose not to let it control me completely. On the good days I’m completely fine, semi-happy, and feel somewhat like a normal person.
The bad days, though, can be rough. Like when I don’t want to get out of bed, or even take a shower. Doing anything makes me physically sick. It takes such a toll on my body and makes being a single mother even harder.
As a single mother, I still have daily things that have to get done no matter what. I try so hard to make sure that my kids don’t see the worst of my depression. I hide it, and I have become very good at putting a mask on for them. I don’t feel like taking care of myself half the time, but I always take care of my children. I am all that they really have. I am their rock, the stability they count on.
The anxiety that comes with my depression makes it hard to do normal people things, like be in room full of people. It makes me panic and want to run out of there screaming. I want to be a normal person and not have to deal with this anymore. But it’s an ongoing battle of mind and will.
Dating with depression is very stressful. I think it has made me fall for guys faster than I should have, like in situations where I don’t know much about the guy. If I let me depression rule me, I’m so desperate for happiness that I look for it anywhere. I’ve made rash decisions. I’ve flown by the seat of my pants without thinking of consequences, like having sex with someone I don’t trust, or doing anything that my date wants me to. I’ve chosen the wrong people to date. Depression has often clouded my judgment.
I am trying to find ways to deal with my depression. My mom suggested trying some creative projects, so I’m planning to paint and redecorate my daughter’s dresser. I want to stay busy. I’ve been going to a Bible study at church. In my spare time at home I love to read, which gives me something else to think about.
I realize that depression is holding me back from where I want to be, like being in a good relationship and eventually a marriage. But I know to get there, I have to overcome some obstacles, including managing my depression. I’m a work in progress, but the first step to overcoming something is identifying the problem. I’m determined that depression won’t get the last of me!