Should I Be Insecure About My Decision To Hold Off On Sex?

“I do feel like sometimes the thing that you should be proudest of—the fact that you’re still a virgin—is a big insecurity for you. At the end of the day it is a choice and it’s a choice that you should be proud of.”

Mary Kate and her friends.
Mary Kate and her friends.

I read this text from my best friend twice and felt the weight of its truth. What she said was right—in the moments I find myself chatting with a cute guy at a bar on a Friday night, I’m not often insecure about how I look or whether conversation is flowing. But, I am insecure about what I know is inevitably coming next: a rejection.

If I’m not rejecting his invitation back to his apartment, he’s rejecting my interest upon realizing I don’t plan to sleep with him. Either way, these encounters almost always end the same – he moves on to the next girl and I’m still holding out for marriage, but I’m also still alone.

Is this choice one I’m supposed to be proud of?

My longest relationship was strained and eventually ended because of my decision to hold off on sex until marriage. Ever since, there have been a steady stream of men who’ve come and quickly gone when it became clear I wouldn’t hop into bed with them after a few beers and some mediocre small talk.

So as I read my friend’s text that afternoon, I asked myself, “Am I proud of my choice to wait until marriage?” My answer is still “yes.”

One of the greatest and most important effects of not having sex while dating is the unmistakable ability to recognize the men I shouldn’t be with. Any man who flees at the thought of entering into a relationship with a woman without sex is not a man I’m interested in spending my time with.

marykate1The choice I’ve made has not been an easy one, still research suggests it’s the right one. A study in 2011 found that couples who waited until marriage to have sex reported 22% higher relationship stability, 20% higher relationship satisfaction, 15% better sex, and 12% better communication overall.

It is true that I am often insecure about being a virgin. I fear judgement and I fear rejection. But in the deepest part of my heart, I am confident in my choice to wait. I know that by sifting through the men who reject my desire to wait, I’ll one day meet a man who sees me as worth waiting for too.

Mary Kate

Mary Kate is a blogger, political staffer, and dog owner living in Iowa. She's become a part of I Believe in Love for exactly that reason - because she believes wholeheartedly in devoted, selfless, genuine love - and what's more, she believe it's worth holding out for.
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8 Comments

  • I was like you! and one day I met a man that finally called me back, and accepted me for who I was, and he was willing to wait with me. We are still waiting. I know how it feels, but do not doubt that a man can change for you! I never thought for a million years that my future husband would want to wait with me, and he surprised me. All I can say is pray, and God will guide you!

  • My husband and I waited for each other (we are Mormon and that’s a part of our faith) and we are SO grateful we did. It’s SO worth it. And there ARE many, many other men and women of faith who do the same thing – you may not meet them in bars… but they are out there! And it’s worth the wait! You are making the right choice!!

  • I wish I had waited. Although I was going to marry the man I gave my virginity to, it never came to fruition, and I felt awful about not waiting (and also think that not waiting was part of why we never made it down the aisle). Now, though, I plan on waiting until marriage. And if whomever I am dating isn’t ok with that, then he’s not the one for me.

    Keep strong in the faith and know that you’re making the right decision!

  • My daughter recently married at 20. She waited until her marriage after years of dating her boyfriend. She found a great guy who agreed to wait. Hang in there. You’re right – any guy who walks away isn’t right for you.

  • Great post!! I waited for sex til I got married and YES it is hard but it is SO worth it. Only a Godly enough man will wait for you as well-and that’s the kind of man every good girl deserves and wants. 🙂

  • Way to go MK!!
    I also ended a relationship for holding out the sex for marriage.
    But now that some years have passed, I feel so proud of myself for waiting for the right way to marry and save sex for !

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