I’m writing this post for anyone who feels like they haven’t seen many positive relationships. That’s my story. I usually figure out when it’s too late, when it’s over with, that the relationship I was in was unhealthy from the start. I have had a lot of unsuccessful relationships that I thought started out perfectly, but then ended like fire and gasoline.
But lately I’ve been seeing patterns in my past relationships that might shed some light on why things have gone this way.
I’ve noticed that I find myself living with somebody too soon and that decision starts to destroy the relationship. For example, with one past boyfriend, I moved in really quickly. Before moving in I didn’t know that he was on drugs, and then once I found out, I became focused on fixing him. At that point I didn’t really feel like I could end the relationship because I had already said that I was with him. We shared a home and I did grow to love him and wanted to help him become the person I thought he was and could be. That led me further into a codependent relationship, but if I would have just took my time and really gotten to know him before moving in I might have uncovered some things before I jumped “all in.”
Jumping into something feet first is not really ever a good thing. Usually you either find yourself stuck in that relationship or in a relationship with a dead ending.
I see the appeal of moving in quickly—I got so used to living with my past boyfriend of three years that I don’t like being alone. I want somebody here with me. I get why people move fast. But I’ve also learned that living together is totally different than dating. When I’m first getting to know someone I would rather have my own place, and they have their own place so that we both have our own space to reflect on the relationship and where it’s heading.
Instead of moving in right way, it’d probably make more sense to do things the “old fashioned way.” Actually date someone first. Go on dates, talk over dinner, give yourself more time to know each other, and more time to focus on yourself to make sure you are right for that person. Versus what we do now—jumping into everything all at once often not even knowing ourselves, let alone the other person.
If you do things right the first time you don’t have to go through the emotional hurt and pain of separation. If you know from the start that it isn’t going to work, then don’t let yourself get too wrapped up in it. If you take the easy way and just act on impulse, it’s going to backfire.
The challenge is the way we’ve trained ourselves. It’s hard to break the mold when you feel like you are the only one trying to take things slowly in relationships. Saying you will change the way you date is easy. but actually buckling down and doing it and pushing your feelings aside to do what you think is better in the long run—that’s difficult
In a relationship, if you can step outside of your initial infatuation and try to see reality the way things really are, the state of the relationship becomes a lot clearer. It’s easier to see if you are the right people for each other. But moving too quickly does the opposite: it makes things more cloudy and confusing. To start a relationship off right it’s important that you give yourself time to think first, before jumping all in.
If I had known that I could have saved myself some heartache. But I still stay positive, knowing that now I’m a stronger person and can help more people because of what I’ve learned along life’s way.