Starting Over When Your Longterm Relationship Doesn’t Work Out


It has been about 6 months since I made one of the toughest decisions in my life so far. Just as I am about to hit 30, I broke up with a man I had been dating for almost 4 years.

The first year of the relationship was so much fun—we spent countless hours talking, getting to know each other and our families, traveling to visit friends, and exploring the city where we live together. Since we were both nearing 30 and seemed to be falling in love, I assumed our relationship would lead us to marriage.

However, about a year and a half into dating, things started to take a turn. We still got along and enjoyed our weekly dates of cooking dinner and going for walks, but the talk of our future became more of a struggle. I saw a wedding, starting a family, and growing old together. He saw my imperfections and would not commit. The more that we talked about the future, the more my anxiety increased.

Looking back, I spent the last two years of our relationship being anxious, slightly depressed, and not the best version of myself. When I looked in the mirror, all I saw were my imperfections. I distanced myself from my friends because it was hard for me to act happy for them when I was feeling so sad and depressed. 

When I first brought up breaking  up to my boyfriend, I thought maybe I was tired and figured that we would work through our latest argument. But we didn’t work through it, we didn’t make up. And that’s okay. In fact, it was the best thing for both of us. Yes, it was hard the first week or so, but the peace I felt after the break up far outweighed the sadness.

In the six months since we broke up, my life has gone from falling apart to falling together. I started putting a lot of time and energy into my friendships. I’ve realized what a blessing it is to have a network of friends to support and encourage me on a daily basis.

Before I entered that relationship, I spent a lot of time building goals like advancing in my career, buying a house, and developing a stronger spiritual life. It was only after the breakup that I realized just how many of my personal goals I had let fall by the wayside.  Since then, I have worked hard to get back on track with the goals I previously had for my life. A couple of months ago, I was presented with the opportunity to get promoted into management. I jumped on it.  My promotion put me suddenly in a financial position to buy a house, something I did not see happening in my near future. After just a couple weeks of looking, I will soon close on a perfect home for me. I also have more time to get involved at church, spend more time in prayer, and find hope in reading the Bible daily. I’ve started to feel more like myself again, my best self. 

While it is scary to start over at almost 30 years old, I am at peace in my newfound happiness. Saying goodbye to that relationship was scary but that goodbye has lead me to say hello to so many other great, beautiful things in my life.

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1 Comment

  • Thank you so much for your honesty and bravery in writing this. Your story is powerful and has had an immediate impact on me, as I’m sure it will with other women struggling in long term relationships. God bless you!

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