A little while after our wedding in December of 2009, Zachary and I found out that we were going to have a baby! This was going to be our first child and we were so excited! Early on in the pregnancy the doctor had some concerns about the size of the baby not exactly matching up to what they thought it should be. Trying to be very careful and not cause any harm to the baby, Zach and I decided that I should stay home from work for the remainder of the pregnancy. That decision itself led to tough times financially.
Almost five months into the pregnancy we went for an ultrasound to see our little one and to see how things were going. The doctor put that liquid on my belly and started to use the ultrasound wand to check on our baby. Zach and I didn’t know what we were looking at or what to be looking for and the doctor was very quiet. And then he told us in a very dry tone, “There is no heart beat.” That was all he said and there was a moment of silence that seemed to last for ten minutes
Then with Zach holding my hand I asked the doctor what he meant and what was going to happen? He told us again that the heart was not beating, that the fetus was no longer alive, and that since I had not had a miscarriage in normal passing that I would need to get a DNC. Zach and I neither one knew what a DNC was and so we asked the doctor what that meant and he told us, in the most un empathetic way that was possible, “you will need to go in to the hospital and you will need to have a procedure done where they will suck out the fetus.”
That explanation broke me apart. I mean to hear that our baby’s heart wasn’t beating was the most terrible thing we could’ve heard. But when we heard it, I know for me at least, I was kind of in shock and also kind of thinking that maybe there was something we could do to make it start beating again. I was thinking that maybe we could do what I’ve seen in the movies where a patient is rushed into the E.R. and those two paddles are placed on their chest and they’re brought back and their heart starts to beat again. I was really thinking we could do something. But to hear him say the only option was to have our baby sucked out of me was devastating. It meant our baby was dead.
I went into the hospital to have this procedure and my mother-in-law, my father, my grandparents, and my husband were all there with me. It was a comfort to have my family members there, but I felt like the only other person there with me, who could really feel the way I was feeling emotionally, was Zach. This was his baby too, and I felt like our baby was being taken away from us before we got to hold it or see it or hear it. To make the entire event worse, we were told by the doctor in the hospital that until I have three miscarriages that the insurance that we had would not allow for tests to be done to determine what went wrong. So we lost our baby, who we never saw, and we never got to know why.
This tragedy occurred again. A month or so after the hospital visit, I became pregnant again. And again, about the same amount of time into the pregnancy, an ultrasound visit revealed no heartbeat. And again a DNC had to be performed. Family again went with me to the hospital, including Zach. And again I felt he was there in my soul feeling the feelings I was feeling. Each time, Zach and I had one another. We both had the pain and we were both there for one another.
The third times a charm they say and our third pregnancy pulled through! We had our baby girl in July of 2011! For nearly two years we had back to back to back tough times. And we’ll have more tough times of some sort ahead of us I’m sure. Everyone has their good and bad days. So when you are married is that any different? No, of course marriage does not make you immune to bad times. After all, that’s why in the vows they have the line “…for better or worse.” One of the many upsides of marriage is that sometimes, your spouse can help you and those problems that you may encounter may actually become easier to navigate through. And so, sticking together, side by side, holding one another up, has and always will, help us to remain standing when the waves of despair crash upon us.
Are there hard times that you’ve been able to weather with the support of your spouse?