In the past, I hid what I was really feeling because I wanted to please the guy I dated.
As I’ve written previously, my ex-boyfriend made me feel like I was never good enough. I feared that if I didn’t act like the girl I thought my boyfriend wanted, he would walk away. In my heart, I knew that a relationship like that would never last (it certainly wasn’t healthy).
Part of me felt stupid for feeling so hurt and used by my ex-boyfriend, for taking so long to recover from something I knew in my heart wasn’t meant to be. For a long time after I starting dating my current boyfriend, I hated sharing information about what happened with my ex.
But I began to realize that just because it was over doesn’t mean that relationship no longer had an impact on my life. Sometimes I found myself overreacting to things based on past hurts. For my current boyfriend to understand where I am coming from, I knew I would have to share my past with him. One night, I told my boyfriend how I carried around the fear that the same bad experiences I had with my ex would be repeated with any other guy I dated.
My boyfriend listened in silence and simply comforted me. He made it clear he will do everything he can to help me move forward with him because he wants that for me and our relationship.
Talking about my past with my boyfriend helped me to heal from my fear about men’s motives and my anger about how I had been treated. I’m nowhere near perfect and he doesn’t expect me to be. Knowing that he accepts me for who I am encourages me to love better. He knows that he can’t fix my struggles, but he can assure me that he’s always available to listen and love me regardless of my flaws.
I no longer feel afraid to share my past experiences with my boyfriend because I know he wants to be there for me. He wants to know everything that makes me who I am. Healing is an ongoing process, but I am grateful that I have someone to share that journey with me.