The Day My Fiance Told Me Not to Buy Lingerie


“By the way, I don’t want you to buy or wear lingerie,” he casually mentioned one day as we were preparing for our upcoming wedding.

“What do you mean?” I responded, confused.

“Well I just think it’s kind of dumb to spend money on clothes that have the purpose of being taken off,” he laughed.

“Okay, well what about lingerie people give me? Like the stuff that I got at my bachelorette party?” I said, convinced this would buy me time to convince him to let me buy some new stuff in the future.

“Well I just don’t really want you to wear it at all. You’re beautiful without it, and I don’t want to be tempted to objectify you,” he stated.

Now I knew that he struggled through the temptation to use pornography in the past, and I know that scantily clad women activate a portion of the male brain that causes them to think of objects to be used (like a hammer or saw). But for some reason it never occurred to me that this would be a problem within marriage!

How do I respond to this? I thought to myself.

I oscillated back and forth in emotions for awhile. While I was deeply touched that my husband cared for me this much and was aware of his own weaknesses, I was sad about not getting to wear the beautiful lingerie given to me at my bachelorette party or buy my own favorites.

Ever? Really?

This seemed like such a loss. After all, I had friends in college who slept with their boyfriends but were saving lingerie for marriage. I had saved everything, but now it felt like a part was being ripped away from me without my say. I mean, I can’t exactly respond, “Well I’m going to wear it anyway and if you objectify me then you’re just going to have to deal with that.” How dumb would that be? I don’t want to be objectified, but I wanted to be able to wear lingerie every once in awhile too.

But why?

Why did I want to wear lingerie? I guess because I thought it will make me feel sexy, it turns guys on, and it adds some special charisma. I’ve been told all along that this is how it works…you put on the lingerie and guys can’t control themselves anymore. That’s a lot of power to possess. Do I want my husband to be acting out of control or out of love for me?

It took me a while to become okay with the idea of not wearing it, but after thinking though all these things one last thought crossed my mind.

He’s telling me that I’m enough. Don’t I want to be enough? Just me. Nothing added.

Lingerie is not a bad thing at all, but my husband’s love and words of affection for me were some of the most beautiful and intimate words my husband has ever spoken to me.

And I personally realized I struggled to accept them because my whole life I have been told I needed to be more. From ads, to relationships, to movies, I felt like I needed something else to make me beautiful, to make guys like me more.

I never thought I was enough just as I am. So, now confronted with this radical love and instead of accepting it, I’m wanting to take him back to animal-like instincts.

In the end, of course I chose to respect my husband’s wishes, but I was still sad to not get to pack any pretty lingerie in my honeymoon suitcase. But in fact, to this day, I’ve never worn any lingerie, and I don’t think it’s hurt our sex life. A handful of years and a couple of kids later, I’m starting to get it and I’m thankful he started us off like that. I’ve always felt beautiful with him, and that makes for pretty great sex!



Flickr/Kevin Dooley

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