I am a week away from having my second child, and my husband and I could not be more thrilled.
My first pregnancy was a cake-walk. I had the glow, I was fully in awe of the entire glory of the process – aches, pains, and all. I had been destined to be a mom for my entire life so I was embracing every single step as boldly and ambitiously as I possibly could. Even with complications and blood-clotting it all seemed easy. Not to mention, my husband was in awe of my strength throughout the whole process.
Imagine our delight when we found out in 2012 that we were expecting another child. We made a big “tada” about it to our son so that he could have a special day when we made the announcement. We even recorded his reaction on my phone so that we could savor that moment forever. It was such an amazing day. He was so excited, and we were too. Our marriage seemed stronger than ever, and with each pregnancy we seemed to get closer.
But during this second pregnancy, I started to have some cramping, which led to some bleeding. I remember like it was yesterday. I was at work when it started, and immediately called and went to the doctor. I left with hope for the pregnancy (something that I am still letting go of), but quickly began to experience more pain.
The very next day, I was given the news that the baby was not going to make it. I don’t think I stopped crying for the entire time that it took to go through the process. Ten agonizing days of allowing myself to pass the baby at home with just me and my husband. I was heartbroken, and so was he. But clearly our experiences were different.
As devastated as I was, the storms of life continued. I was always hopeful that my husband and I would try again to have another child, but there was so much fear now. I was emotionally devastated and I don’t know if I could ever come back fully from that, and my husband became more and more uncertain that another child was the right thing to do.
Not only was our marriage struggling because of the emotional pain we were going through, my husband became disabled out of nowhere. We ended up having a very bold conversation about how he wouldn’t feel right having another when he was unable to care for him/her. So even though my heart yearned for another child, we were between a rock and a hard place. My heart wanted my husband’s peace of mind most so I tried to bury that yearning deep, in hopes that maybe I would “get over it” or move forward.
But in May of 2015, my husband and I had an amazing discussion. He had recently become very involved in our church and told me that he had prayed about the decision to have another pregnancy and that he knew that he didn’t want it to be up to us, he wanted it to be up to God. I was beyond ecstatic at this revelation. Somehow leaving it up to Him was more of a relief because we were not in charge of the outcome. Of course I prayed that it would end up in us having another little bundle of joy.
And soon there after, we found out we were expecting!
I was over the moon! But then the fear set in. And it set in to a very dark place. I was petrified we were going to lose this baby and as optimistic as I had tried to be, I was concerned about every single ache and pain. This was taxing on my husband and, ultimately, our relationship once again. This made me realize that I had let fear creep into our marriage too! I neglected a lot of points in our marriage because I was so concerned and negative about almost everything. I had a jaded perception that good things just weren’t in the cards for our marriage and family.
But now, thanks to my husband and my faith, I can stop doubting and say that I believe there is light at the end of the tunnel. We are going to have our baby girl in less than a week, and I hope to be able to say that once she is here, healthy, and thriving as a newborn that I let all of the paranoia and anxiety go away.
I know nothing is ever perfect and I have a lot of learning to do, but I know that I want to leave all the fear and anxiety I had during my pregnancy and about my marriage behind. I want to be the best mother to two amazing children. But also, and equally importantly, I want to be an amazing wife for my husband.
Flickr/ nicolas michaud