To Have Loved and Lost

My first real love relationship came into being at the start of my senior year of high school.  Cody was just starting his freshman year.  A mutual friend of ours introduced us during the first home football game of my senior year.  It was like a magnetic bond for the both of us.  From that night on, everyday we talked in school as much as we could and after school on the phone as well.  Right before my 2005 graduation, Cody asked me to be his girlfriend and I accepted.  Then I went off to Ohio University, more than two hours away from home. I kind of figured that the distance would end our relationship.  However, I only stayed at OU for a semester and transferred to a school closer to home, and Cody was still in my life.  We had several break-ups and make-ups.  I was a very clingy type of girlfriend and he was still very young. Even though I know that he loved me, I also know that he was a teenage boy who wanted to explore who all was out there.  So his actions only perpetuated my clinginess into jealousy and that led to more unfaithfulness on his part.

firstlove1It was just so hard to have the relationship end for good.  I felt I was a part of his family.  I went to their family gatherings and parties and I spent every single afternoon after my college classes at Cody’s grandmother’s house with Cody and his immediate family, until I had to be at work.  My family really seamed to like him a lot too.  And we loved one another.

But then there was the bon-fire incident in 2007.  Cody had broken up with me and I was losing it, so after my shift at the grocery store that I worked at was over, I unwisely decided to drive to the high school and confront Cody at the bon-fire that was taking place prior to the homecoming football game.  When I spotted him, he was standing with a group of girls, flirting, and laughing, and I was filled with heartbreak and anger and disappointment, and sadness.  So I interrupted them.  We started arguing and screaming at one another and with me crying and begging for him back, he slapped my face and then spit on me.  I was so shocked I couldn’t say anything.

Before I knew what was happening, I heard police sirens and noticed that six police cruisers and two ambulances had pulled into the parking lot and they were coming for us.  The other students were pointing the officers our way!  The officers took Cody and me inside the high school and questioned us.  We both told them nothing had happened.  They told us it had been reported that I had been hit, and I lied for Cody and denied any such thing had happened.  They let us go and I went home as if nothing had happened.  But that was the beginning of the real end for us.  My family found out about the entire incident through the grapevine.  I guess that’s what you can count on when you live in a small town.  And when they found out, my family saw red, and they forbid me from seeing him anymore, even though I was 20 years old.  And his family started shunning me as well.

We were broken up for several months.  We both dated other people but we still saw one another from time to time.  Although, anytime that we spent together was in secret, at secret locations, and we did all we could to hide this from both of our families and even our friends.  This continued until August of 2008, when Zachary, my future husband, and I started becoming serious.  I finally broke it off with Cody for the very last time, and he didn’t even fight it.  I think at that point, we both realized that it would be impossible for us to be together with any sort of blessing from anyone that we knew.

Madeline weddingEver wonder why it is said, ‘tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all’?  After Cody and I had ended for good, I felt that the pain of loving and losing it was worse than never knowing love, after all ignorance is bliss.  But only now, all these years later, do I see the truth in the statement.  For me at least, the saying rings true, because now I know how it felt to be in love and I can recognize that even though I lost that love, it was a necessary happening.  It was love, but it was a love gone wrong and it had to be lost.


Zach and babyLove is not violent. Love is not unfaithful. Love is not untrusting. Looking back, I can appreciate the love that I have in my husband all the more. We’re honest with each other. We trust each other. Our love is good and kind, and I understand why it still is and will always be.


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