As I scrolled through my Facebook feed the other day, I had a revelation inspired by a feeling some people refer to as FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out). I was reading my Facebook newsfeed and I noticed a lot of people saying how much they loved their boyfriend/husband or girlfriend/wife. I got to thinking that that’s what I want and I don’t want to miss out on having that one day.
I know that I have been writing about how I am going to work on myself before I get into another relationship or started dating again (in fact I think that was one of my new years resolutions). But I have realized that my desire to take a break from dating has more to do with fear then self-improvement. I can learn to love as I go.
Witnessing that love between husband and wife on my Facebook feed made me think even harder about why I have never experienced this kind of love myself. What I came up with was that I am often the problem in relationships, I can be my own worst enemy. I could have had that love many times, but I always end up causing or doing something to ruin it. I get it stuck in my head that it’s never going to work anyway, so why bother working on it or trying to love without bondage.
I know now that I have been letting my past and the fear of my past hinder my life today. Every decision I have made has been out of fear of being rejected or hurt. I have carried so much pain around all my life and I have I let it control my life in every aspect. I got so used to blaming other people for things not working out, but in the end it was all me. I instigated fights and made myself believe that I was the only one trying in the relationship, but I was the one who had already given up. I lived in fear of someone breaking a promise or breaking my heart, but in the end I am the one that shatters my own world.
I gave up before it even started and I still do this because deep down I think I don’t deserve a great guy, I don’t allow anyone to love to me. I need to change the way I think and behave and this requires letting go of the fear of everything going wrong. Fear will just keep destroying any chance I have of finding the kind of love I want and being the kind of women I want to be. I have to let people in, even if that means opening myself up to getting hurt again. What if Mr. Right has been right in front of this whole time and I just couldn’t see it? What if I find the right guy for me, but I freak out and only focus on his negative traits and let another one slip through my fingers?
I have always said that I don’t want to play games, but the truth is, I am the one playing games within my own head. Now that I know that I am the reason for a lot of heartache and the pain in my life, I think it’s time to let it all go and be done with Brittany the victim and be the fearless Brittany that I once knew. Life should not be full of this much pain and fear and defeat, and especially not inflicted by my own hands. Having held on to fear and pain for so long, its hard to imagine my life any other way.
I refuse to continue living in fear, I refuse to give up, I refuse my negative self image and horrible sense of self worth. I refuse to miss out on love. My walls are no more, no more hiding behind them. Its time for the real me to shine though the darkness. These clouds will not hang over my head anymore. I forgive anyone who has ever hurt me including myself. I am releasing myself from all the bondage and clutter it has had thrown upon it all these years. I am freeing me!
I AM WORTH IT, I AM BEAUTIFUL, I AM STRONG, I AM A GREAT MOTHER, I AM A GREAT PERSON, I AM FEARLESS!!