That Time A Guy Thought I ‘Owed’ Him More On a First Date

I had just made my account at an online dating site and almost instantly I was getting messages like “Hey sexy! Let’s go out!” Some messages were more direct, with guys basically asking straight up for sex.

I don’t really like looking for a guy online, but nowadays it seems like the only place to find someone. There just aren’t a lot of options for finding a good guy for a 27 year old single mom like me. I don’t know many people, and I’m in such a small town where everyone knows everyone else—and it seems like I’ve dated most of them!

In all those messages, though, one guy stood out. He was really cute and really buff and the light of his world was his daughter, which I thought was really sweet. He told me that he was looking for “wife material” and he told me that I seemed like a really good mom and like the kind of woman he was looking for. He called me sweetie and asked about my day. So after messaging and talking over the phone a couple times, we set a date.

I was really nervous, and kind of paranoid. I’d never met anyone online before. What if he turned out to be a serial killer or rapist? I drove my own car and we met at Quaker Steak and Lube.

He was really nice during the meal. We talked about our kids and he teased me about being a messy eater as I ate my bucket of wings. But I rarely go out for dinner and I was going to enjoy it! This guy was much more of a gentleman than a guy I went on a date with previously. That guy had expected me to pay for everything, and then expected me to have sex with him—that guy had expected it all.

At the end of dinner, I kissed my date on the cheek and said good night, before getting into my car to drive back home. Everything seemed good.

But that night I got a string of angry text messages. He was mad that I’d kissed him on the cheek instead of on the lips. Most girls would have slept with him on the first date, especially because he paid for dinner, he informed me.

photo of Brittany

But since when was that the arrangement? I’ll pay for dinner, you give me sex? I’m not a prostitute. I think I’m worth more than the price of dinner—more than the forty bucks he spent on our wings and drinks that night.

I texted him back. “I’m not like that anymore,” I said. “I’ve done it before, but I’m trying to change.”

He didn’t like that answer. He called me ugly and a whore. (If I’m so ugly, why did he want to sleep with me? And since when did NOT having sex make you a whore?)

I’ve written a couple of posts here and here about why I changed my mind about sex on first dates, but mostly it’s because I’m looking for more than just sex. Like my fellow iBiL contributors Isaac and Meg I want a lasting relationship that’s actually based on love, not just attraction. And I need more time for that love to develop before I share all of me with another person. I wish my date could have respected that.

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  • Hey ! Is was so meaningful to read you tonight.

    I just came back from a date with a guy who seemed lovely and kind and intelligent at first glance, the date went really well and while we were walking to a second bar both closer to his place and mine, i told him that i didn’t want him to have any crazy ideas about what was going to happen later. He suddenly started to get really mad and told me he wanted me to repay him the beer he had payed me before because he only did so because i thought we would get laid later. I tried to explain calmly why and was it was so wrong of him to tell me that and to behave like that, to what he responded that, anyway, at first glance all he sew was my disgusting acne (i may have 3 or four small pimples) and that he needed a few drinks to maybe appreciate me more and forgot about the acne.
    It made me feel like a slut and a nobody, I feel sick right now, sick of certain people not understanding consent, sick of a few men making me afraid of all of them, sick of the power they can have upon us.
    Thank you, you made me feel like I’m not alone, in this lonely and humiliating time.

  • So…he’s looking for wife material, but he wants her to act like all the other reckless girls he’s dated before? Good luck with that, dude.

    It’s good that you found out he was verbally and emotionally abusive after just the first date! That could have been a dangerous relationship.

  • Female sexual promiscuity has led directly to the situation we’re now in: Men expecting and getting sex pretty much whenever they want. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

    Oh, how I wish women better understood the power they have to regulate male sexuality.

  • On line dating services seem like the worst of places to meet men. Church, school, the workplace seem better options. I thought I would never meet anyone. I was well on my way to forty and never had a serious relationship. One day I turned a corner and met a very nice man where I worked. Not in my office but in another. We had lunch. We had many things in common and we both were aging and alone. But we sought friendship FIRST, not marriage, not sex, not merely emotional support but friendship. I said a prayer asking Mary’s intercession for a chaste courtship. And the prayer was answered. Three years later we married for the first time and are still very happy. If your experience is typical of today’s dating experience, we must pray for young people and tell them not to rush, even if it seems you won’t meet someone special. It would be better to be alone than to be with an abuser. God love you and I will pray for your intensions.

  • I am thankful for your sake that you found out his true colors so quickly. Any man that speaks to people in that manner is not worth a moment of your time.
    Choosing to be a woman of honor helps to weed out the creeps. Unfortunately there are a lot of creeps out there, but not all men are creeps. My 15 year old son was saying that he looks around at the girls his age and wonders how he will ever find a good woman to marry. I told him that women say the same thing, so he will find someone who wants the same things he wants and holds the same values that he does.
    Don’t give up hope. There are good men out there looking for a woman like you.

  • I did the on line thing and I agree that’s all they want. Stand your ground!! U will find a gentleman ! Good luck.

  • obviously this guy has a personality disorder. It’s good you learned that before getting into more serious relationship.

  • I agree with u so much. I told my husband before we started dating that I don’t kiss on a first date. After eating and walking around the town holding hands…he got down on his knee and kissed my hand. I was hooked. We are now married with a beatiful daughter. Good guys are hard to find….it took us a long time to find each other. Keep searching…you’ll find him 🙂

  • Sex should never be the goal of a date. It should never be a measure of compatibility or attraction. I may be old-fashioned, but I consider it a successful date if it is followed not by a kiss or sex; but by continued contact and eventually, another date.

    This may explain why I’m still single. 🙂

    Good luck in your search!!

  • Hi Britt
    I’m going to say something and I hope I don’t get written off. I have always held the notion that this soul, mind, and body is all I’ve got to offer. I mean, yes, I’ve got a good job and an education and emotional support, etc, and all of that is me, who I have become-and I’m proud of that.

    The way I look at it is this: If I’m going to give you all I am, you are too. AND we should promise to take care of each other in a way that protects each other. So I’ll say to a guy If I’m going to give you everything that I am, I have the expectation that you will take care of me for life. But the reverse is true: If you plan on giving me all that you are, I should expect to care for you for life.

    Is this a dream? Maybe, but I think I am worth it-and actually I think every human is worth it. We are certainly worth more than $40 of wings and beer!

    • Jen, Well said! That is exactly what wedding vows are meant to express, and that is why waiting until marriage makes total sense! Many men and women maintained chastity until marriage for generations, because our bodies were understood as being sacred trusts! It is definitely worth the wait;after 40 + years of marriage my husband and I are stronger and better people because we were serious about these things. American culture need to dump the “sexual revolution” and “easy divorce” fallacies and re-establish real respect between the sexes, promote loyalty and caring between husbands and wives, children and parents, and seek extended family and community encouragement for people like you and Brittany..

  • You are beautiful and wonderful! Keep sharing your story to encourage women to have more dignity for their femininity and to help us understand how much we are worth.

  • I agree with you wholeheartedly. Not having sex on the first date, if nothing else, helps weed out the creeps like this one. You are worth waiting for. You do not need to apologize to any fellow for protecting yourself. I think you are being wise. Thanks for sharing.

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