When You’re Married and You Have a Crush on Someone Else

14601786564_cf0794ef8a_o“So…who do YOU have a crush on?”

I remember being a pre-teen/early teenage girl at slumber parties and we’d all sit around and talk about the boys at school that we had crushes on. Almost like a rite of passage, we each felt compelled to embarrassingly admit our secret crush to the group. Of course there was squealing and giggling at each other’s admissions, and of course when we went back to school on Monday we were all terribly awkward around our crushes now that all the other girls knew about them.

But other than the awkwardness of being around them now, the majority of us didn’t actually do anything about our crushes. Most of us didn’t act on our infatuations, likely for many reasons: fear, embarrassment, uncertainty, inexperience, not having parental permission to date yet, etc.

No matter what the reason, we each had something deep-down – something more significant that the feeling of infatuation – that kept us from doing anything about the feelings we had. Just because we had a crush on a guy it didn’t mean that we had to pursue any kind of relationship with them.

Now, years later, I have grown up, met a guy, and gotten married.

In the early years of marriage, both of us worked in career environments where we were each surrounded by other young, single, independent, energetic people. We both enjoyed a strong sense of comraderie with our co-workers with interactions that often included joking, playfulness, and even sometimes…flirting.

One day, Kyle came home after having had dinner with on old friend of his, a female, who was in town visiting and he later told me of their conversation. She’d asked him if, being a young married in a place such as L.A., he felt that there was a greater temptation to be unfaithful in marriage.

Kyle thought for a moment and then solidly told her no.

He explained that if you want to be faithful in marriage – that you just do it. You don’t push to see how far you can go before crossing the line. You just remain faithful and don’t put yourself into a position you know you shouldn’t be in.

Though I thought this was a strange thing for an old female friend to be asking him — I was still proud of my new husband’s response and loyalty to me. However, I also wondered if such a response was perhaps a bit simplistic and naive. Would it get harder for us to remain faithful to each other as the years went on?

A few months later, I found myself developing a small crush on a guy who worked at the same after-school care program I did. Just as I’d once felt compelled to divulge my old schoolgirl crushes, I felt embarrassingly compelled to admit this co-worker infatuation to Kyle as well. Thankfully, Kyle trusted me. He knew I’d chosen to remain loyal to him and him only and that just as I hadn’t acted on previous infatuations in life, that I also wouldn’t act on this one.

And I didn’t.

The next summer, I worked at a summer day camp and had a crush on one of the other counselors. The year after that, I got my first job as a high school math teacher, and guess what? I developed a crush on one of the science teachers as well.

But I never acted on any of these crushes. I recognized that there’s a difference between what you feel and what you choose to do. And I chose then – and still choose today – to be faithful to my husband. Despite any temporary infatuation I may feel toward someone else.

I think back to my husband’s response to his female friend years ago. Perhaps it really is that simple. If you want to be faithful to your spouse – no matter what temptations may come up or what crushes you may develop – you remain faithful. You don’t put yourself into compromising positions and you don’t cross your boundary of fidelity with anyone other than your spouse.

I can’t say what the future will bring or what other future crushes I may develop on someone other than my husband. But what I can tell you is that no matter what, I’m committed to being faithful to him. Crushes may come and go, but my marriage –and fidelity – to Kyle is lifelong.

 

 

Flickr/martin.mutch

Ronni

I grew up in Texas, but now live in L.A. with my husband and our two young kids. I like inventing, DIYing, camping, teaching math, and blogging at The Screenwriter's Wife about marriage, family life, and hope. I believe in love because I see beauty in the commitment and dedication that bind people and family units together.
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When You’re Married and You Have a Crush on Someone Else

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15 Comments

  • Yes, I have had a similar situation where I had (and still have) a crush on a former co-worker that I only worked with for a couple of years and haven’t seen her since 2011. There is no reason for it. And to the best of my knowledge she doesn’t know it. She is not on social media so there is no contact. I’d have to say it’s really comes from lust. She just looked like the type I like. And she was single and I could overhear conversations where she was looking for a man. And I COULD NOT act on my urge to ask her out. I love my wife and refuse to jeopardize my marriage ever. But this stuff does happen!

  • Hi, Nice article and gave me a little more strength. I’ve been married 10 years with 1 child. I met her cousin a few months after meeting my current wife. We immediately hit it off and I could tell there was a connection but I was in a realtionship with my wife at the time. She and I used to hang out golfing by ourselves and of course nothing materialized and but the last few years we have had many family get togethers and I always find myself drawn to her or we get into lots of eye contact and smiles. She is extremely honest and would never allow anything to happen and neither would I but I find myself thinking of her more and more. And yes we do text each other and joke around. I don’t know why but I just want to know weather she has similar feelings or am I reading into it. She is attractive and attracts alot of guys. I think I just want to know if she has feelings for me just to know and maybe it’ll give me an ego boost. Not even sure anymore. Love my wife and son to death and wouldn’t want to change anything but can’t turn off this crush. thanks

  • Thank you, this actually really helped to read. I love my husband – I really believe he is my “meant to be” life partner. We’ve been together for 8 years and life has thrown a myriad of absolute crap at us during those years… and I still would not want to share my life with anyone else. However lately I’ve started to realize I have some feelings for a co-worker and it isn’t going away – I can’t change jobs, I can’t change departments, and even if I go weeks without seeing or thinking about him, the attraction emerges again as soon as I see him again. It’s really frustrating because I know I’m not going to act on it. It’s such a waste of energy but I can’t “turn it off”. Sadly unlike with you, I absolutely cannot tell my husband that I have a crush. Sadly my husband really struggles with self-esteem and has (unlike me) been previously cheated on in relationships and he does an amazing job containing those two “open wounds” he has without affecting me or taking them out on me… but if I told him I was also attracted to someone else, I would honestly send him into a downward spiral. I wish I could tell him, because there is no way I’m ever going to act on it.

    • I should add that said co-worker and I do not flirt, we have no contact outside work, he is also happily married, and he does not know about my crush. We’re good buddies at work but that’s where it ends. I just want to make clear that I’m controlling everything I can control.

  • What is “staying faithful” when one is crushing on a person other than their partner? Is it just avoiding a physical relationship? Is “mild, harmless” flirting okay? Is it okay to give in to the urge to talk to that person more than necessary, crack jokes, laugh? Or does faithfulness mean not indulging in the pleasure of a conversation or a shared joke with this person because you desire so much to be around them?

  • I have been with my wife for 3 years. she caught me cheating this ended the relationship. After further analysis I realized I truly missed her and I didn’t want to be with anyone but her. i pleaded with her to come back but she was already with another guy, all means to get her back was a waste, i had to look for a stronger and reliable means to get her back, so a friend of mine introduced me to DR MACK whom i contact via Email;dr_mack@yahoo. com and after some days, my wife called me and said she wants us to come back just like before (we ended up getting back together) I have come to understand that DR MACK IS THE RELATIONSHIP HELPER

  • Hi Ronni,
    I love your article and your husband quote. My wife and I have been married for 3 years, we have 1 son together. Recently, our marriage took on a rough path when my wife started working. We didn’t have time for each other anymore and we didn’t even know when we started to grow apart. Couple weeks ago, by accident, I found out that my wife has been having a crush with her coworker. She’s been hiding it from me and when I confronted her she told me that nothing happens. One thing I notice is that she started to dress nicer to go to work, going to the bar with her coworkers every week. She even get mad at me when I asked her to come home by 10 pm to help me watch the kid (do you think a married woman should go out with coworker past 10 pm? especially her crush is also there). Last night we had a fight and the next morning I found out she texted her coworker “you look nice today” (maybe this is normal and I am just too jealous) it really burned me from inside. I felt miserable the whole day. Right now I don’t know if I am the problem or she is the problem. I really need your opinions on this. Thank you for reading my story. I very envy of your marriage.

    Vinh

  • I needed this so badly right now. Thank you for helping me know I’m strong and I’m making the right choice and I have to power to resist any temptations that stray me from my marriage. <3

  • I love your honesty in this article and thanks for being so corageous to talk about it in such a transparent way. I think this is something that it’s possible in marriage but we do choose how to respond to it.

    I would like to know why this happens and maybe you could share this with an expert from your experience and then share the knowledge with us. I think that the more we know about these things, the better we’ll be prepared for when/if they happen.

    • Hi A! Thanks for commenting. I am not an expert, just a wife who values marriage and wants to be truthful about its joys and struggles. You ask why people can develop crushes on people other than their spouse, and I think the answer is simply because we are human. Because we see beauty and find things – and people – attractive, and enjoy fostering close friendship with others and sometimes our emotions lead us down paths that we rationally know that aren’t best for us to consider. And I think we have a choice not to follow our emotions if/when we know it is ultimately not in our best interest to do so.

  • Good Article. Definitely being faithful in marriage is a daily choice. I do think , however, that developing crushes is quite dangerous to a marriage. Developing crushes make you emotionally attracted to someone and it could well harm your attraction to your spouse and your marital sex life. Be careful!

    • Hi James, thanks for your response! I definitely think that every marriage relationship has their own dynamic and issues to work through, so I by no means think that every couple’s marriage experience is exactly like my own. I do agree that having a crush on someone other than your spouse can take your attention away from your spouse (which is not desirable) – but I also think that emotions/feelings sometimes spring up almost unconsciously. What I am hoping to encourage in this story that that even if an unwanted feeling of infatuation for someone other than your spouse springs up in your marriage, that you can choose not to act on it. A feeling does not have to equal an action.

    • Yes! Yes, yes. Thank you for saying it, James. I know by experience. Nothing physical may be happening, but the spouse feels the distance and becomes more vulnerable, as well. 😔

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