Why We Didn’t Give Up on Love When Sex Wasn’t Great

Six months before our wedding, a friend asked us what we were most looking forward to about marriage.

As I’ve written previously, my fiance said, “Sex.”

His response got a big laugh, but all the married couples there nodded their heads in agreement.

I, too, was very much looking forward to our sexual relationship. We were passionately in love with one another and couldn’t wait for that passion to spill over into the bedroom.[emaillocker id=”11739″] I knew from other friends’ experiences that it would take a little time for us to figure it all out, to learn about and from each other. But after our wedding, when month after month passed and we still seemed to be struggling, frustration started to sink in. Our foreplay was still wonderful and passionate, but when it came to intercourse itself, I often did not find it as pleasurable as it was supposed to be.

It would take another few years before we figured it all out and were able to achieve orgasm together, but through that frustrating time we found hope in our love for one another and in our commitment to making our sexual relationship thrive.

Some people might think we were crazy to wait until we were married to have sex, or even that the struggles we had in the bedroom proved we weren’t compatible—if we had had sex before marriage we would have figured it out and saved ourselves the heartache. But I disagree. Reducing compatibility to mere sexual pleasure isn’t love.

I knew when I chose my husband that, come thick or thin, he was going to stick by me and that he was committed not only to loving all of me, but to making our relationship flourish. He wasn’t going to settle for less and neither was I. We proved that when it came to our sexual intimacy. We knew we were never going to give up on one another.

Our difficulties in the bedroom didn’t make us love one another less, but made us love each other more. It was a burden we shared together and it brought us closer together. We cried together, read books about sexual intimacy together, and experimented in the bedroom together. We learned things about one another that we never knew. Our conversations brought about healing in our relationship and ultimately helped us get to the root of our sexual struggles.

It may have come as a surprise and taken longer than we both would have wished, but it was that much more sweet and pleasurable when it finally did happen. If we had figured out sex from the get-go, we never would have grown in the intimacy that comes from sharing our hearts and struggles with each other. We learned so much about each other and about who we are as a couple. In the end, it made us more passionately in love than ever.[/emaillocker]

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